I have found a new home on the scale. I wish those little red numbers didn’t bother me the way they do, but they confirm what I have felt this season, thicker.
And why should that matter? It would seem natural with age that my body would change but I’m so against it. At least change in this direction.
Those numbers seem to mark me, the higher they go the less value I have, or so I feel. My New Year's resolution is to work out more, to shed some pounds and gain some muscle. But I know in my heart that that won't fix how I feel.
Although there is some relief when the numbers go down, it doesn't change how I see myself. I still look in the mirror and see unwanted things, things I don't like, things that don't match what I see in magazines or the "perfect" that has been placed on me. No matter how hard I work at the gym, no matter how much I curve my diet, I will never be satisfied with my body.
One day, gravity will takes its toll, old age will win and no matter my effort, I will age and my body's youth, my body's appeal will leave. My body will not bring me satisfaction.
The reason I feel so distraught over my new home on the scale, over myself in the mirror is because I believe society over Jesus in that my body is what gives me worth and value.
And no matter how hard I try I can’t seem to drown out the lies. Every time I glance in the mirror, every time I step on the scale I feel condemned, I feel unwanted, ugly, unworthy of any affection.
Any why? Because the numbers raised? Because I enjoyed the company of my family and friends, sweet desserts and home cooked meals?
Why should that effect me so?! Why can I not escape the false reality that has been constructed around me and every single girl?
What is wrong with me? No matter how many times B says “You’re beautiful” I can’t seem to believe him, it won’t sink in. Instead lies scroll through my mind like a newsfeed, countering his statement, trying to call his bluff, which is no bluff at all.
B sees me, he knows me and he truthfully stands and says “you’re beautiful” meaning every bit of those two words.
Yet the ambiguous society is what I choose to believe, what I let rule me. And that’s it isn’t it? I have become subject to this world, believe its lies. That’s the real reason those numbers bother me so.
But I’m not of this world! I have a different Ruler, a different King, one who stands with B saying the same thing,
“you’re beautiful, because I made you, because I’m remaking you.
It doesn't matter what it is, weight gain, unmet expectations, crazy family parties, whatever depression that has been laid on you is declaring the same the lie. Attaching your worth and value to something in this world.
BUT IT CAN'T. You are is. It can't be undone. You DO NOT BELONG TO THIS WORLD.
You’re identity is no longer in this world, in your body, your appearance your family, your spouse, your gifts, your financial status, your happiness, your dreams BUT IN JESUS. You are his.
You’re new identity, daughter.
Stand on him and read the words below you, read the words that cover you:
Instead of feeling condemned, feeling unworthy and ugly, feeling unwanted and ashamed,
because you are a daughter of the King, not subject to the rules of this world but to mine."
I pray that I could stand on him and relinquish the lies I hold. That I could look at myself and not feel shame or covet something, that I would know that I am His and that is enough. That he is what makes me beautiful, what gives me worth. Just a little of what I'm reminding myself today and hopefully everyday.